How do you find the line between worrying about other people's actions and how they affect you, and not caring about the actions of others, since you can't change them, anyway?
I struggle between worrying about the psychological effects my parent's actions have had on me, and taking responsibility for my own happiness by letting their actions roll off my back. When I was a little girl, I really have no idea how old, maybe in my teens or so, I asked my dad for my biological mother's name. Instead of telling me that A) I was too young to have access to that information or B) He wasn't comfortable telling me that information, he made up a name and lied to me. Of course, I went and searched for her online, and found nothing. To be honest, I don't exactly remember when I found out he had lied, if he told me, or if I just figured it out. I'm almost certain he eventually told me that he had lied, but did not offer the true information.
I truly believe that since that time, the trust between my parents and I has been strained. For many reasons, not just that, but it certainly plays a large, and for a long time I think, subconscious role, in the way I feel about my parents. Yesterday, I said to my therapist "It's a difficult feeling to realize that I love my parents, but I don't really 'like' them." Of course I love my parents, and there are many qualities about them that I admire, but there are many, many things about them that I despise. I sometimes wonder if that is because I'm not biologically related to them, or because of things they have done and said. We are just so different. Our values and ways of thinking are polar opposites. I really feel that I'm a country bumpkin at heart, true to my Oklahoma roots. I often wonder what my biological parents personalities were like, if I look like them, if we would have shared any interests.
So now, how do I decide to carry on my life? Do I confront my parents with questions and concerns I have? Do I tell myself to grow up and get over it? I don't want to be a baby. I want to be strong. But a part of me does feel that I will never be whole until I resolve some of these issues. It also frightens me that I think there are issues I'm not even conscious of. Over the course of my life, I learned to master lying and manipulation, to the point where I could convince myself of a lie and believe it completely. I feel that this has proved to be a huge obstacle in learning who I am and what I am made of. What I am, what I am not. My feelings, motivations, attitudes.
I suppose on the one hand, I'm very lucky that I think I have some idea of who I want to be. In terms of a career, psychology is certainly what has seemed to call to me and what I've excelled at, although my childhood dream of riding horses for a living has never seemed to dissipate with age. I know that I want to be positive, happy, fun to be around, a genuine, reliable, empathetic human being. I know that I want to make some kind of a difference, any way I can. I think psychology, or at least going to school and then grad school for psychology, may be the best path for my to find my way to doing so.
Losing interest and attention, so it's time for a shower.
